Infancy & Childhood

Birth

I was born five weeks prematurely at St James’s Hospital in Leeds at 10pm on Sunday 25th of August 1974. I had to be incubated for three weeks. My mum says that I was a good baby and that I only cried when I was hungry or needed changing.

Childhood Home

Until I was 16, I lived at 342 Leeds Road, Lofthouse in a Police Section House. These properties were small mostly disused police stations that were rented out to serving officers with families. In a short video tour of the house my dad made in 1988, he says that it hadn’t been used as a police station since 1976.

Apart from some illnesses such as pneumonia when I was three and needing bandaged care for eczema when I was about 4, I had quite an uneventful childhood. I didn’t live very close to other people of my own age and I often played alone. I don’t know if my location was a part of that or if it was always likely to be the case.

The “Police House” in Lofthouse where I lived for my first 16 years.

Earliest Memories

I don’t really have that many, and certainly not as many very early ones as some people might have. When I think of this, I can only even think of two. One would have been possibly feeling quite sore with eczema, sitting with my mum in the garden, but I don’t remember any real sort of context.
Another early memory was of having been sat by a window in the infant school nursery on a dark wet afternoon. I don’t know why I have that memory. Perhaps it was somehow depressing. Maybe there was a thunderstorm that I can’t remember. I have no idea.
Even my early memories are bland, meaningless and without merit. Somehow this comes as no surprise to me.

Childhood Pets

We had fish, rabbits and Guinea Pigs at various times but I couldn’t name a single one and barely remember anything about any of them. Later we had Hamsters named Torvill & Dean. I really liked my Hamster but they don’t live very long and it was a sad experience to lose them. Around the same time, we also got a dog. Lucky was a cruelly abandoned Jack Russell puppy found in a bin bag, floating in the River Calder canal in Wakefield just after Christmas in 1984. Sadly he was with two already drowned siblings. He’d been taken to the police and my dad decided we would rescue him and keep him as our pet. I had some reservations about having a dog as I thought it would just poo everywhere. He was an adorable puppy though and he remained with us a loved pet until he became old, feeble and confused and we had to say goodbye to him. It was the first time I’d ever felt real grief and it was a heart-breaking experience I’d not felt before.

Health & Physique

My early birth was a considerable factor in me having eczema and asthma throughout my life, both were most prominent when I was a child. Asthma has never been a real problem and I don’t think I could say I’ve ever had anything that could be called an “asthma attack”.

I was always a bit feeble and I loathed sport and games as I had no innate capabilities or coordination at all. (Even as an adult I am mostly unable to catch things, but thankfully I can mostly avoid any type of circumstance where this might be required of me.) I’ve never understood the rules or appeal of any kinds of sports or games and that even extends to card games. I’d rather put pins in my eyes than attempt to play any kind of card game that requires me to learn rules let alone have any skill. I also find sport extremely tedious even as a spectator on television. I find few things as boring as any form of sport.

On a River Thames boating holiday showing my skinny physique.

Toys, Games and interests

Because I was a child of the 1970s and 1980s, there were only three and later, four television channels, no games consoles and not much else happening. Here are some of my favourite or memorable things from those times.

Mr Men

I loved the Mr Men books and I remember eagerly looking at them in shops wanting to get one that I perhaps didn’t have already. They were so basic but fun, and I really enjoyed looking at the back cover of the books where you could see them all on a sort of chart.

I always liked Mr Messy because he didn’t have a solid style like the other characters.

I liked this chart. I was easily pleased.

The Beano

Throughout my childhood and into my early teens I was a big Beano comic fan. Looking back, it’s difficult to understand why, as neither the content or artwork was any good. I really don’t know. I was a proud member of the Dennis the Menace Fan Club. I really liked the furry Gnasher badge with googly Eyes, but I never really wore it.

I was a member of the Dennis the Menace and Gnasher Fan Club. Which had zero benefits.

Lego

Like for many people, one of my early favourite toys was Lego. It was always quite expensive and I never had that much of it though.

I had some of this stuff, but nowhere near as much as I’d have liked.

Action Man

I had this set and put it in the bath, but it was less exciting than I anticipated.

Even a miniature German uniform looked quite good.

Board Games

Occasionally as a family we’d play board games like Go For Broke, The Game Of Life and sometimes Monopoly. I can’t imagine ever having the time or inclination to play a board game for the remainder of my life.

Garbage Pail Kids

Later, I was quite fascinated by the creative and fun designs of the “Garbage Pail Kids” stickers that were a parody of the Cabbage Patch Kids craze, but most often with quite dark twisted themes. I collected hundreds of them spanning several series, even having to get the same artwork twice if it had a different name allocated to it. Buying packs of them always meant having to buy bubble gum and I never really cared for it. I always chewed it for a while to get the sweet flavour from it though.