16 MARCH 2025
I recently acquired my late dad’s bowling ball. It’s not good to sell and I don’t want to just put it in the bin. Consequently, I’m going to send him out into the wilderness, with a note.
Where shall I put “Gerald” and his letter and photos, (that won’t cause a bomb-scare) and should I add or change anything?
The note reads:
PLEASE LOOK AFTER GERALD
Dear kind stranger,
This is Gerald. He has been trapped in darkness for over thirty years, whispering only to himself about his glory days of rushing down alleys. Once, he rolled with pride. Now, he languishes in sorrow and he has outlived his late-owner.
Here are some things Gerald would like you to know:
• He LOVES frogs. No one knows why. He won’t explain.
• He HATES bowling pins. They are his natural enemies.
• He is frightened by felt tip pens and Ferrero Rocher.
• He adores the colour teal.
• He likes wearing wigs and being in sunshine.
• His favourite words are “Oh,” “no,” and “wow.”
• He likes the music of Queen.
And, most importantly…
• He loves the taste of fingers inside him.
A finger here, a finger there. He’s been starved of them for three decades, and frankly, he deserves a little indulgence.
Inside his bag, you will find a few relics of his past:
• A pair of vintage bowling shoes that may or may not be haunted.
• A crumpled tube of talcum powder from Marks & Spencer.
• A small snooker towel, because sometimes you need to dab your cue even when you don’t have one.
• A stained tube of muslin type material that was once used for cleaning or polishing Gerald.
Gerald deserves a forever home, where he will be cherished, stroked, and occasionally rolled. He doesn’t have to visit a bowling alley again, but he wouldn’t mind if he was taken to one.
Take care of Gerald. Love him. Talk to him. Let him taste your fingers.
Thank you.